Diary of a Twenty-Something Virgin Guy (March 23rd Edition)--A Work of Fiction

It's like raining so hard today, and I feel a little chilly in here. I have a cold, so that kinda sucks. But, everything's fine. Everything feels great. Oh, God, I feel like I'm gonna poop... but I'm just gonna dispose my toxic waste later. I still have to finish this shitty piece of mine. Whoa, am I being ruthlessly harsh to myself?  Calling mine self shitty?  Puh-lease. Anyway, I just farted. It smells kinda weird. Was I really supposed to smell that?  I don't know. I'm still a virgin, technically speaking. Daily masturbation doesn't really count as sexual intercourse. So, yeah, I still am a virgin, and I am proud of it. But, I won't tell anyone, of course. Who cares if I've never been into f*cking terms with someone?  No one, right?  So, I'm just gonna keep that fact to myself and enjoy my life. My fantasies are gazillions in number. They could single-handedly satisfy my urge to have sex. Everyday, I'm gonna be all right because my wild imagination always takes me to places I've never been before. Just never disappoints. I'm a lucky guy, ho ho ho, after all. Right now, I guess my stomach has gone back to its normal state and I don't anymore feel like I'm gonna dispose something or what.  That's what I get for being brave enough to suppress certain urges. I'm saving a lot of time!  But, I don't really know if it's a great idea. I might develop colon cancer for doing such. Dear diary, I think I've said enough. Till the next edition!!!